If you look online or perhaps in the self-help section at the local bookstore, you will find a lot of books explaining how to pick up the pieces of your life after your divorce is over. There are many positive aspects to the fresh start, the new beginnings, and the opportunities available to you after your divorce.
But what about during your divorce? If you have a quick divorce, perhaps one that resolves collaboratively or through a quick and early mediation, this may not be an issue, given that the divorce case itself is so short.
But for longer, more contentious, and thus, drawn-out divorces, the period of going through your divorce can last much longer—perhaps years. How do you cope with and manage your life during divorce?
Plan Ahead
One of the first things that you can do, if possible, is to plan for a drawn-out divorce in advance—even if you think your case may resolve amicably and quickly.
Plan out how you will pay the bills or where you will live. According to one study in 2018, women have an almost 30% reduction in household income during and after a divorce. If you are amicable with your spouse, plan out a tentative schedule with the kids (even though this tentative schedule will not be legally binding, it may at least give you some framework and consistency once the divorce case begins).
Taking Care of Business
Are there things that your husband or wife took care of during the marriage? Many people find that they are overwhelmed at the prospect of suddenly going from sharing household chores, duties, and responsibilities to having to do all of them on their own.
In many marriages, one spouse has less information than the other when it comes to insurance policies, passwords, contact with creditors (like mortgage companies or car loan companies), or other important entities. Try to gather as much information as you can so that you are prepared to manage these things on your own while the divorce is pending—all while possibly helping raise one or more children and working.
Getting Social Help
Some people going through divorce find that they get some solace in dating again quickly, even while their divorce case is still pending. Others prefer to wait much longer. Others will not date but will find social circles to occupy their time and to divert themselves.
Nowadays, there are ample groups that can be found online and that meet in real life. Try searching for singles groups or social groups that meet in your area—even if you are not looking to date again, many of these groups engage in social activities and gatherings, and many may even have other members who are going through or who went through exactly what you are going through.
Someone to Talk to
One of the best strategies for navigating the stresses of a divorce is simply having someone to talk to. That can be a family member or a friend. They do not have to give legal advice; they just have to be a helpful and friendly ear. In fact, you do not have to speak with them about your case at all. Just having someone to vent to after a tough day at work can do a lot for your mental health during a divorce case.
Speak With Your Employer
If you work with a boss and you are comfortable doing so, consider having a talk with your boss about your divorce. This is so that your employer knows that you may need to leave every now and then to pick up the children from school, or take the children to an after-school activity, or get to a government office to obtain or renew paperwork – things that your spouse may have helped you with when you were married.
Communicating the difficulties you are facing and the time that you will need to your employer can keep the lines of communication open so that your employer does not wonder why, out of the blue, you may be out of work more than you were or showing up late more frequently than you were in the past.
Grief is Natural
Whether your divorce is amicable or not, grief is a large part of a divorce—even divorces where you may have initiated the divorce, where you were very unhappy in the marriage, or where you are truly happy to be getting away from your spouse, or where you know the divorce is the right thing to do.
Grief can come from feeling the loss of future expectations or of a life that you thought you would have but will not.
That is natural and to be expected. Do not be afraid to get professional help or even just help from friends. There is nothing wrong with, on the one hand, wanting or initiating the divorce while at the same time feeling very sad or guilty about it happening.
Using Apps to Communicate
Many people simply do not want to communicate with their ex after a divorce. But if you have minor children, communication may be a necessity for the purposes of time-sharing and other issues regarding the kids.
Speak to your attorney about, or look into, using parental communication apps if you really cannot communicate effectively with the other parent. These apps filter out hostile or unwanted communications or communications that do not relate to the children.
They also encourage both parents to be cordial to each other in that many apps will record the communications between the parties. Just having the app there can be a security blanket, as it is not the “direct texting” that many people want to avoid having with the other parent.
Get a Helpful Attorney
Remember that your attorney is not just your legal advisor in a divorce. This is someone who will be helping you deal with very emotionally charged issues.
Find an attorney who, of course, knows family law, but also someone who understands the personal side of divorce and how it affects people. The more comfortable you are speaking with your attorney, the more likely you will be to ask questions, and thus, the less stressful your divorce will be, armed with answers to those questions.
Anthony J. Diaz is an experienced family law attorney focusing on Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. His offices are located at 2431 Aloma Ave Suite #124,
Winter Park, FL 32792 and 3720 Suntree Blvd., Suite 103G, Melbourne, FL. 32940.
You may contact Anthony Diaz by calling 407-212-7807 or by email An*****@************aw.com or visit www.AnthonyDiazLaw.com.
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Anthony Diaz is a Family Law and Collaborative Divorce attorney, mediator, speaker and coach in Orlando. Known as The Peacemaker, his practice specializes in divorce with dignity, mediation, collaboration, uncontested and out-of-court options to help families find peaceful solutions.
With over 20 years of experience, Anthony is passionate about helping his clients resolve conflict, reduce stress and move peacefully through the divorce process without going to court. He has helped thousands of families experience a more positive outcome.
As a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family and Circuit Civil Mediator, a State Qualified Arbitrator, and an esteemed member of the Leadership Academy of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, Anthony’s expertise in mediation and conflict resolution makes him uniquely qualified to help couples navigate the emotional and financial challenges of divorce.
He is an active and highly respected professional in the Florida collaborative community. Anthony serves as Co-Chair of the Florida Academy of Collaborative Professionals Outreach Committee and is a Board Member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.
Prior to opening his private practice, Anthony was a CPA and an Assistant State Attorney for the Ninth Judicial Circuit of Florida. He earned his degree at Stetson University College of Law.
Anthony is also a published author, co-authoring Faces Behind the Pages and Creating Relationships and Family with Courage and Compassion. His solo works include:
• Divorce With Dignity – 3 Powerful Steps to Heal and Move Past Your Divorce N.O.W.
• !n-joy Your Relationships! – 7 Pillars to Deepening Your Connections With Passion and Purpose
• Moving Consciously Through Conflict – 5 Meaningful Steps to Mediating Conflict With Compassion
As a coach and an international speaker, his passion, mission and purpose is to help families move on from their divorce with dignity and embrace a more peaceful future.