Many of us, when facing divorce, give a lot of thought to what will happen in the divorce, and understandably so. But we rarely give thought to what will happen once the divorce is over and finalized—in other words, how we will mentally and emotionally move on with our lives and into our post-divorce life.
Life After Divorce
Although it may not seem like it when you are in the midst of a divorce, there is a life, and a thriving, successful one, after your divorce. And yes, having some remorse, sadness, regret, or even a feeling of failure, is totally normal—and none of that should ever stop you from building a new, and even better life after your divorce.
It Starts During the Divorce
Your post-divorce life, and helping you heal, actually starts before your divorce is even finalized.
When you are getting divorced, it can help to give thought to what your life will be, and what your needs will be, after your divorce is over. Will you need job training? Help to get a degree? Where will you live? How often will you have the kids?
Resolving your divorce so that you get the things that you will need in your life, post-divorce, can go a long way to helping you heal and recover after a divorce. These are things to think about in your divorce mediation.
Be Yourself and Do What Feels Right
One thing that you can do after a divorce to thrive is to understand your own needs—and to understand that no two people need the same things to recover after a divorce.
Some people may want diverse social circles, surrounded by friends. They may want to get back into the dating scene as quickly as possible to rediscover the romantic feelings that they once had. Staying home may be difficult, whereas the distraction of social circles may heal them.
Others may find the opposite; they may not want to connect with anybody, and may feel more comfortable on their own, or at least, simply being surrounded by close friends or family.
There is no right or wrong in any aspect of your life post-divorce. Think of what you need and what makes you feel better, without worrying about whether or not what you do need or want is “normal” or not.
Try Not to Look Back and Compare
It may be helpful to avoid making comparisons to your pre and post-divorce life.
Many people find it hard to move on after a divorce because they are constantly thinking of what they had when they were married—the friendships, the house, the bank accounts, the stability—whatever it is that you feel you have lost, it can be easy to dwell on these things post-divorce.
But if possible, and with the support of friends, try to focus on the new beginnings that divorce brings. Remember the things that caused you to get divorced in the first place—things that, perhaps, you needed in your life that you were not getting that you can now go out and make happen for yourself.
You now can take up that hobby, or manage your own finances, or take that vacation, and essentially pilot your life the way you want to, in the direction that you want to go. This thinking can be empowering and help you see the future as full of positive possibilities.
Take Care of Yourself
Similarly, make sure to take care of yourself. You can be a little selfish. From little things like getting a new wardrobe or a new haircut or taking up a new hobby, to more significant things, like just spending time with yourself or your kids, or career changes, do the things that make you happy, without concern about what is frivolous or what you may think is foolish.
Try to Avoid Post-Divorce Conflict
Yes, the extent that you fight or have conflict with your ex, is not always completely in your hands. But to the extent possible, try to minimize negative interactions, conflict or fighting with your ex.
Your attorney may be able to help you with these things. For example, your attorney may be able to handle certain communications with your ex that you find stressful and hostile. Your attorney may be able to get a court order requiring that communication with your ex only be at certain times or through specified apps (there are many that filter and censor hostile, lewd, or offensive communications).
Think about the things that you fight over with your ex. Some things you must fight over; you simply cannot just give in, or walk away. But there may be other things that are not worth the fight, and the stress that comes with it. Learn to realize what things are worth the fight, and what things are better ignored for the sake of your mental health.
To Forgive or Not? It is Up to You
And whether you fight with your ex post divorce or not—you can, but do not have to, forgive.
You are entitled to feel how you feel. Of course, anger or hostility should not stand in the way of your life, your career, or your relationship with friends, family or your kids. But keeping or releasing anger is a personal choice, and so long as it is not affecting your daily life and relationships, do not worry so much about what is “right” or “wrong” when it comes to forgiveness.
Getting Help
Remember that it is always OK to seek out professional help. Many mental health counselors and similar professionals have extensive experience helping people recover after a divorce.
With the number of divorces that happen all the time, you are not the first person to have these feelings. We are in an age where we know a lot about what post-divorce recovery requires. Do not be afraid to seek out that information with the help of a qualified therapist or professional.
Your post-divorce life starts with handling your divorce the right way. Contact Anthony Diaz for help and with your divorce, to help you transition to “the new you.”
Anthony J. Diaz is an experienced family law attorney focusing on Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. His offices are located at 2431 Aloma Ave Suite #124, Winter Park, FL. 32792 and 3720 Suntree Blvd., Suite 103G, Melbourne, FL. 32940.
You may contact Anthony Diaz by calling 407-212-7807 or by email an*****@************aw.com or visit anthonydiazlaw.com for more information.
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